tick.. tock... the mouse runs up the clock.
 the window creakes from the wind outside. Nothing could be heard  but age. The noise of age was crackling in. Making what seemed once beautful now dreadful and un cheerable.
 Im wasting time

Unleashed

Act normal.
Don't do that.
Don't talk about this.
Don't even mention what we do.

All these rules that confine me to an image you so despritly want to percieve.
Is being myself not alright?
Am I not permitted to enjoy myself?

I suffered thru your lectures.
Let it engulf me whole
To the point where I was your obedient little bitch.
But guess what, this dog has bark and I'm  not afraid to bite.
Oh and believe me I will bite.
I will bite down with the force of a thousand jaws just to see you wimper in fear.
Becuase I will not bow.
Nor halt--or stay.

I am the pit bull with no owner.
I am the monster who broke out his cage.
I am the demon that fears no one.

Dual Identity

lustful, carnivorous the demon of the night 
lurks inside, breathing, scheming to control his life.
Its a poison, so venomous there seems to be no end
it will slowly kill the hero, his lovers and even his friends
the heros suit shines purely white
But hides a heavy heart he can't breath it's too tight.

The noose of decay.
The stench is in delay.
 
People watch in gay. "Hero, Hero come save the day"
they shout, they plead, they don't know what they mean.
Hero by day, other by night. 
A case of jekyll and hide.
There's no hero in sight. 
The people start to speak
They start to smell what reeks
 Inside that heart that aims to do well
There lies a spot so dark
Could be fit for hell.

Getting Even

I'm here for a reason.  I said to reassure myself, I loaded my Taser gun and  hid it on my side. Between my belt and my back where no one would see it and ruin my plans. I walked towards Rebecca's house where I knew David would be at, he is always down for a party. It was her eighteenth birthday party and any one and everyone was invited. To be totally honest I don't even know Rebecca but  a friend of a friend told me about it and I was bound to know somebody there.  But my main goal was to see David and teach him a lesson. A lesson on heart break and humiliation. I walked in and immediately saw Angie. One of my girlies that I didn't know would be here. She may put my whole mission at jeopardy. "Hey boo hows it going?" she called out to me and embraced me.

"Nothing good, I didn't know you were gonna be here."I replied trying not to blow her off.

"I guess you didn't know that someone else was gonna be here." with that she pointed to the middle room where David was sitting in a circle of friends all chatting and drinking. "Its okay I'm here to enjoy myself." I said to her as I walked away to grab a drink. I wasn't really lying when I said that I was going to enjoy this. 

 David was a friend that I met 8 months ago.  He went to a school nearby and he was someone I wouldn't have mind getting to know. I believe he was Colombian, thick and sexy. perfect for snuggling with. The sad thing was that he was straight. He accepted me as a gay friend which was new to him because he never had one before and  he was new to me because I never had a straight guy friend. Yes I found him totally attractive but he was straight so I didn't try anything. Yes he would do things that made me think otherwise like  dress to good for himself, wear nice underwear, over show off his toughness to make me believe he was the man and loved Nicki Minaj. One day he got real drunk and I let him sleep over, I couldn't let him drive home drunk. I couldn't sleep so he let me play with his hair, his nice brown wavy hair. Out of  nowhere he  kissed me.  Yup you heard right  a straight nigga kissed me. That was the beginning of it. From then on he would come over every week to spend the night to chill laugh and fuck. I was really feeling this nigga until one day he just stop coming. He gave me short replies and  the cold shoulder. Then I didn't hear from him for a month This is how I retaliate when I don't get my way, I plan on tazing bitches.

Thinking about this really pissed me off. And if someone walking by looked at me they could have told I was pissed because as I picked up a red solo cup it cracked in my closed fist.  oops.

I picked up a new cup calmly and looked at the assortment of drinks. They had Ciroc Coconut, Barcadie Zombie and they also had Whipped Cream Vodka. Davids and I favorite drink, I poured some of the Coconut  Rum and sipped it while I looked at my surroundings. The house was huge. If I had to assume I would say whoever this Rebecca was she had money. The living room had music that was loud and filled with drunk teen girls giving all the male suitors lap dances on the walls,couch and stairs.  This was a little to much for me so I progressed into the next room. The dining room where I had got my drink. The table filled with empty snack bowls and I didn't really look but I swore I saw a foot of a passed out man under the table. This was indeed to much for me, I sipped my drink.

"Jose?"

 My heart did a one eighty kick and i turned slowly to see David staring at me with that puzzled look i knew to well. Remember why your here Jose.  I held back the tears enough to say ," Oh hey its you."  

"yeah, its me, listen----"

 " No I don't want to hear it. Not here at least." I felt the tazer behind my back. Not yet. 

" Do you want to go upstairs Because I need to talk to you?"

"Upstairs sure."  A nice quite big room that would  be perfect for me to teach him a lesson.

I walked up the steps with him and amazement struck me the upstairs was just as big as the first floor. The hallway looked endless, maybe about 14 rooms. We chose the last room  on the far left. He opened the wooden door and that's when I pulled the tazer out and shocked him right on his neck.  He cried and collapsed on the floor.  I closed the door behind me and  lifted him up on the bed. I forgot how heavey this nigga was. Like dam.  he woke up feeling his neck "What the fuck happened?"

He looked at my hand holding the tazer."Did you just tazer me, you crazy ass fag?"

 "looks whose talking, closet case."

  "I'm not--." As soon as he said this I went after his neck with the tazer. I didn't get his neck but I nicked his arm which was enough for him to feel the sting of his lies.

" Look, I would love to say I'm not enjoying this but I really am. After how you played me, you deserve this. all I want to know is why?"

"Why what, why your a crazy bitch and I don't know why  I Fucked with you."

"Exactly why did you fuck me and with out any word why did you just ditched?"

"......if I tell you... promise you not gonna tazer me?"

"I'll see how I feel."

"It was because I needed time. I wasn't sure what that was or how I felt. You know I even tried dating a girl right afterwards."

"So you left me for a bitch!" I tackled him and pinned his arms under my knee I lifted his shirt and tazed him on his flesh hard stomach  I couldn't help but admire his body, so beautiful and toned. with the American Eagle undies that I had loved so much. I slapped him awake.

"CAN YOU STOP!!! Have you ever tried talking like a normal human? I was trying to say that it didn't feel the same, that you were different and its been hard for me to fully understand what I am.

"Question, did you fuck her?" I kinda didn't want the answer.

"...Yes....I did... but that's when I realized who I am and what I want. I couldn't finish, she disgusted me."

rage grew inside of me. how dare he give someone else whats mine. he was mined if he knew it or not.

"your gonna learn your lesson by me." with one hand i unbuckled his belt and reached for his nut sack. the tazer came close to his flesh but Davids hand had stopped it. there we were struggling. with all my strength and anger i was getting closer and he was weakening. my goal was in sight and i get what I want. before the tazers could touch him he shouted out." I love you!" 

 The tazer dropped from my hand onto the bed and my muscles relaxed. My head sulking low was out of Davids  view, which was a good thing because I didn't want him to see me cry. He touched my chin and forced me to look up." look I was an asshole by just leaving you hanging and i want to apologize that's why I had you come up here, if I knew you were going to electrocute me i would had wore a rubber." I managed to laugh through my tears. I wanted to tell you I loved you for the longest  just didn't know how to tell you and when.  I don't care anymore, all I care about is having your crazy ass with me through out all this. so if this is gay then its gay love. fuck it."

I kissed him, long and passion filled but enough to get the point across."i love you to."  with that he rolled me over that way he could be on top. he kissed me even more passionaltly and without me knowing unbuckled my pants. He was always a sly mother fucker. He made his way down kissing my body and started to give me head. It was all good and well until the door burst open with a guy and a girl came through laughing. There laughter came to a stop when they saw  two gay boys getting it on in the room. " Oh sorry.. bout this....... Hey David, I'll... um leave you two alone." and he closed the door after his girl. Stunned by what just happened David and I through back our heads and had a hard laugh bout it. I'm pretty sure the laughter could have been heard from down stairs. I'm  totally sure our love was hear from downstairs because on our way downstairs everyone clapped in unison.  all applauding me and David for getting it in.

Dreamstage

 After a tiring long day I just really wanted to go to sleep.  School was long and filled with the blah blah blahs of teachers and work was  filled with the blah blahs of customers. I just really wanted some sleep. Making my way up the steps of my house my bedroom door seemed like a haven. The angels sang as I opened my door and I collaspe on the bed with my shoes still on. I fell into a deep sleep. You know how you fall into a deep sleep and dont remeber your dreams becuase your that tired you just sleep to refuel for the next day. Well this sleep wasn't like that. I dreampt, in vivid detail and remebered everything. In the dream I woke up from my bed and opened the door to my usual hallway. Instead of my usual hallway there was another hall filled with doors. Knowing it was still a dream I walked down and chose one door. This door for some reason drew me in with its chipped white paint and glass knob.

 The hall seemed to disapear behind me, I was outside waiting in line. Looking up I saw that it was  a club, club  Aphrodites.  it was then that I noticed that I was wearing my work clothes, yuck I can't go clubbing dressed like this. "wish I had some dance clothes." In the next moment  I was wearing a deep v neck black shirt and some skinnies. How was it possible that in an instant i had major swag but yet i was still waiting in this line.

Driving up   to the club was a  red mustang that everyone in the dream stopped and stared at, including me. Out came this gorgues man. His swag was right, wearing red skinnies with a  white shirt and a  black leather jacket. It was amazing. At the sight of  him I yelled out Roman. He seemed to notice me becuase he took his shades off and he looked at me. Roman was  one of main dudes in school. He didnt say much nor did he smile often but people liked him. He was one of the star players on our team and had most of the girls fighting for his attention. Of course he never talked to me, because straight men don't talk to gay men in high school. its against the status quo but right now and right here he noticed me.

"Whats good jose? And why are you in my dream?"
"This is your dream? Thought it was mines and I didn't know you were the clubbing type?"
"Shows how much you know bout me," He smiled a crooked smile, "come on!"
 He grabbed my arm and led me pass the long line of people into the building.The inside was alright but not what I imagined. With a snap of my fingers the room divided. Woman with sexy clothing and movie star bodies  were waitressing one side and on the other side men with high tops sneakers and bright colorful briefs roamed around. I looked over at roman to see if he disagreed but he was to busy being amazed at the power of dreams. I bid him a farewell for now and we went our separate ways.   While I'm dancing in the crowd, I notice him dancing with a girl.  I  feel a sense of jealousy, that slut! okay maybe I don't hide my emotions that well. this guy was hot and I wanted him to notice me for years. Now was my chance.

I walked over to them. "hey you having fun?" he replied back with a smile and told me to get in. we sandwiched the girl leaving her in the middle. Lights flashing by and I could tell he was having so much fun. I was having fun to but I would be having more fun if this girl wasn't here.
 Just like that she disappeared leaving me and roman crashing into each other. For a moment I felt his warmth of his bulge and continued with the flow. I snapped myself back into reality and pushed off him because last thing I wanted to do was make him feel akward.  "I'm sorry, I don't know what happen?"
 "Its okay I do." He just smiled. He did a lot of smiley tonight.

My alarm brang me back to the blahs of real life,  6:30 it rang. I did the usual blah blah blahs and headed to school.  I got off the bus and signed in. On my way to my locker I saw him.  My dream came back to me and i remebered his body being so close to mine. for some reason i felt ashamed and akward. But why, not like he knew what I dreampt about, he didnt know that i really wanted to be with him.... Oh great here he comes.

"Hey Jose."
" ummm sup....hey.. I mean hows it going?"
" Good...you wanna hear something odd, I had a dream and you were in it."
"really!" I couldnt pretend like i didnt know, "were we clubbing?"
"yeah, at club.. i think it was Club Aphrodites and  the floor was divided...it was pretty crazy."
"Is it weird that I remember the same dream." We locked eyes and I almost got lost in his green hazel pools. "But how is that possible?"
"probably just a coincident. haha but look I'm late for class I'll catch you tonight hopefully." he said playfully and rushed away. As he walked away my heart felt like it was gonna jump out my chest and start doing back flips. Was this a date.... Wait he's straight,  I cant overthink things. If i wanna be friends with a straight guy I can't be so.... gay. All day I anticipated  unttil it was time. Math went slow and boring and so did art... my favorite class.

Finally it was 10:30 and I decided just to close my eyes. Turns out it was sleep because I ended up in that same hallway. But instead of opening a door I seen roman openingg a door and turning to me to follow. I yelled after him and walked trhought the door.  We were at the beach. I looked down and I was already in shorts and sandals.
"Thought I'd give you the jump." Roman said to me. I looked at him and he was unbeleiviablyy beautiful.  Adidas sandals with plain black swim trunks and a white beater. His black hair looked brown in the puerto rico sunlight and his skin has never been smother.
"Thanks...but I need a shirt." I made a white beater appear on my body.
"why arent you worried about tan lines or something?"
"this is a dream... i don't think tan lines are important."
 "hahah your right.. but fuck it." he takes off his shirt. Rather than looking and drooling over his body like I really wanted to, I focus on something else. But of course the dream just acted on my emotions and made the sun set leaving the sky with auros of red and purple.
"No stop that its to early to set." he looked at me.
"what makes you think I'm doing that?"
"I learned yesterday that your emotions control your ...my ..our dreams."
"yesterday?"
 "the girl disappearing, I had a feeling you weren't very fond of her."
I was cuaght and i looked down in shame."Its okay, your a cool ass homo..or gay , or whatever you want to call it, sorry if im insensitive."
"Its cool," I chuckled at his attempt of being nice."Im thirsty." i said and Roman trying to be creative snapped his finger and  a man appeared in front of me with a tray. He was wearing tropical blue briefs. He was beautiful but i could have picked someone else to fetch me drinks. Suddenly Roman was standing in front of me with  the blue briefs. And let me tell you, that was pure beauty. His athletic legs scattered with fur led up to his bulge that i felt not so long ago.  He stood up checked himself out and laughed for a whole five minutes. I was to busy  concealing my boner to actually laugh with him. "I said Im thirsy!" I demanded playfully. He stopped laughing and with a smile he said,"Thirsy for this dick." I looked at him in shock and he just gave me  the smart ass smile that i secretly loved so much. I got up and tackled him to the floor. But i think he got scared and imagined a  hill. so down we rolled until we came to a stop. His muscles over powered mine and he was ontop pinning me down. Out of breath i couldnt help but enjoy this. Roman, starplayer who was straight was now on top of me.
"jose?" he said in the softess voice i ever heard him say.
"yeah what is it?"
"your got something in your pocket or is that ..um ur dick."
I was brought back to reality and noticed my throbbing member  pressed against Romans ass.
"its okay..its just a dream,right?
"right." i said.
 we smashed into eachother and our lips connected. My body felt empowered kissing him. His lips had power behind them and he was sharing it with me. His tongue shared stories and it was sharing it with me.  He remenuevered me that his bulge was on my ass. and he knew what he was doing. we stayed kissing until i couldnt have anymore and i over powered him. Making him fall on his back on the sand. Kissing his neck i made  my way down  his washboard ab chest.  there was no pulling back our dream had intertwined, buckled and made love.

6:30, i woke up with a smile.Getting ready for school was never better. I soon looked forward to seeing him and wondering what he'd say now. I opened the front door and walked on out.

Beauty and the Beast

The human mind is an amazing thing filled with doors, all different shapes and sizes leading to  the inner truth of yourself. One by one they open, reappear and let things out. At the age of seven  I opened a door, just for a second, then shut it quick and never looked back. Seven years later I peaked into that door once again and this time I wasn't as fortunate. While my body was in reality my mind was in motion. When I open the door a bright light shot out so strong I couldn't shut it. I stood there struggling while colors of blue, red, green, yellow and purple escaped and surrounded my thoughts. A beast bombarded the door  open and escaped through the maze I call my mind.

At that moment I thought I was cursed. I walked around the hallways of my school depressed and sad, as if this big dark cloud hovered over me  damped not only my clothes but my spirits. I wished I never opened the door, i didnt understand this and I didn't understand my self. I was angry and scared and my  mind took the frustration out on my body.  That evil beast inside my mind wanted to be let free, but my body and mind wouldn't let it. I wouldn't let it. What would people think when they take one look at him, if it even was a him. Since I wasn't letting him out voluntarily, the beast tried in other ways to escape.
 Just gotten home from School  on a boring thursday night, mom ordered me to clean up the basement. While moving boxes  a snow globe fell. For some reason the shattered glass called to me....yes I used to be a cutter. Nothing big and it didnt even last that long but for some reason I wanted to do it. Maybe I thought that the beast would escape my body if I let it out like this, maybe it was a cry for help or perhaps I was at my absolute low. But one thing was for certain the beast was not escaping this way. The next day walking the lonely halls of my high school a girl walking past that I barely ever talked to stopped and asked me if im okay. She moved in closer and said that lately I been looking down. I never gave her a honest answer but she made me realize that there was something wrong inside of me and the beast was letting everyone know. He was winning.

I knew all along what was wrong I just didn't want to admit it becuase then it would of felt like the beast was winning, which he was. But I finally had enough, this wasn't a game I  was tired of being at war with myself. It was literally going to kill me. I said to myself walking home that day," im gay!"  people walking by probably thought I was crazy , arguing with myself but I needed to clarify with myself  what was happening to me and what can I do. "or am I bi? I dont need to categorize myself. I am who I am and I like who I like." Saying that was the biggest moment of my life. The moment I accepted myself and decided not to give a hell about what people will say or think. This was me and I'm not going to stop living my life.Me and the beast came to a peace treaty.

Now that I accepted the beast  its time  that I let it out just a bit. In school the following week my spirits were higher than usual. the beast was eager to let loose on the world. The beast had seek out my closest  friends. On the top of that list was Anna. A japanese-German american girl with a case of the smileys at the age of 15. She was actually my sister in law at one point. I dated her sister for a month her sister hated  me for the break up but I knew  Anna would love me know matter what. I told her and she welcomed me with open arms. The beast was ecstatic shaking his scaly tail.

Next on the list was Angelica, I call her Jelly. Next period after I told Anna I was confident everyone who loved me would approve. So when jelly wasn't looking I wrote on her computer "Im Bi-bsexual." she looked over, deleted it and called me stupid with a slight chuckle. I didn't think she understood what I was trying to say. I whispered it in her ear and  when she finally understood she said, "ohh...hunny.....you like dick?" The inner beast didn't like that, it caught him off guard but he realized it would take time for everyone to understand fully. So he said, "yes occasionally!" with a slight grin. She would have to get use to it. One person had changed into two then three then four..soon the whole school was talking. I didn't mind as long as my friends still loved me.

Just like every teenager with a hidden agenda I wanted to keep my family out of my business. I actually believe they would never find out, That I was so slick they would never question me. Oh how was I so wrong?

After mom overheard a conversation with the Beast and a fellow monster , she knew everything. When I finally gave into the colorful beast and ran free, she wanted to lock him up and forget he was ever there in the first place. The beast didn't like that. Soph-hop, a dance for sophomores in the middle of winter, I wore my little cute suit and slicked back my hair.  As I left out the door he heard what she said. A comment that angered him and sent me on edge: "Don't kiss any boys while your out there" The beast awakened,  Nails sharp, eyes and ears alert he ran to her door and shouted," I'll kiss who ever the fuck I want to." He slammed the door and went on my merry way. Just like in School  the word spread through out my  family, sparking all different reactions. Some Titis of mine hugged me and said they love me, an uncle sat me and the beast down to read "Sodom and Gomorrah" and tell us we are condemning ourselves to hell, some members had already seen the beast way before I did, some still  don't know at all, But to be honest they never asked.
But one things for certain The beast is a part of me  and I wont ever not be myself.
So here I am 4 years later, writing down the milestones in my journey to find who I am. I am Jose Torres and I am a hispanic gay young adult  artist who loves his friends and family but doesn't give a H-E double hockey stick of what people think because in the end its me whose living my life to the fullest. The beast and I finally have this understanding. We maintain this balance and became one. I am the beast of the story and I will have my happily ever after with or without my prince.

My ModernLlife Hamlet

I COULDN'T DO IT! As much as i hate, no matter how close my finger was from the trigger..I couldn't do it. If I shot and killed him in cold blood She will never forgive me. It would break her heart to see her boyfriend dead and me getting booked for it. I lowered the gun and suddenly the noise of the sirens came shooting in. Lights glared on and off making  everything look red then blue, red then blue and red and blue/ I dropped the gun to the floor and took a look at his face. His disgusting pale face made me sick but yet I couldn't  finish the job because her face kept popping into my brain. He was afraid and he did not try to hide it. He came to the realization of what the baby brother of his fiance could do if he even dared to mess up. I got gripped up and was getting pulled away, the whole time my eyes would not let go of the coward. Staring at him  through him, condemning him  I was put into the cop car, laughing the whole way down to the station.