The human mind is an amazing thing filled with doors, all different shapes and sizes leading to the inner truth of yourself. One by one they open, reappear and let things out. At the age of seven I opened a door, just for a second, then shut it quick and never looked back. Seven years later I peaked into that door once again and this time I wasn't as fortunate. While my body was in reality my mind was in motion. When I open the door a bright light shot out so strong I couldn't shut it. I stood there struggling while colors of blue, red, green, yellow and purple escaped and surrounded my thoughts. A beast bombarded the door open and escaped through the maze I call my mind.
At that moment I thought I was cursed. I walked around the hallways of my school depressed and sad, as if this big dark cloud hovered over me damped not only my clothes but my spirits. I wished I never opened the door, i didnt understand this and I didn't understand my self. I was angry and scared and my mind took the frustration out on my body. That evil beast inside my mind wanted to be let free, but my body and mind wouldn't let it. I wouldn't let it. What would people think when they take one look at him, if it even was a him. Since I wasn't letting him out voluntarily, the beast tried in other ways to escape.
Just gotten home from School on a boring thursday night, mom ordered me to clean up the basement. While moving boxes a snow globe fell. For some reason the shattered glass called to me....yes I used to be a cutter. Nothing big and it didnt even last that long but for some reason I wanted to do it. Maybe I thought that the beast would escape my body if I let it out like this, maybe it was a cry for help or perhaps I was at my absolute low. But one thing was for certain the beast was not escaping this way. The next day walking the lonely halls of my high school a girl walking past that I barely ever talked to stopped and asked me if im okay. She moved in closer and said that lately I been looking down. I never gave her a honest answer but she made me realize that there was something wrong inside of me and the beast was letting everyone know. He was winning.
I knew all along what was wrong I just didn't want to admit it becuase then it would of felt like the beast was winning, which he was. But I finally had enough, this wasn't a game I was tired of being at war with myself. It was literally going to kill me. I said to myself walking home that day," im gay!" people walking by probably thought I was crazy , arguing with myself but I needed to clarify with myself what was happening to me and what can I do. "or am I bi? I dont need to categorize myself. I am who I am and I like who I like." Saying that was the biggest moment of my life. The moment I accepted myself and decided not to give a hell about what people will say or think. This was me and I'm not going to stop living my life.Me and the beast came to a peace treaty.
Now that I accepted the beast its time that I let it out just a bit. In school the following week my spirits were higher than usual. the beast was eager to let loose on the world. The beast had seek out my closest friends. On the top of that list was Anna. A japanese-German american girl with a case of the smileys at the age of 15. She was actually my sister in law at one point. I dated her sister for a month her sister hated me for the break up but I knew Anna would love me know matter what. I told her and she welcomed me with open arms. The beast was ecstatic shaking his scaly tail.
Next on the list was Angelica, I call her Jelly. Next period after I told Anna I was confident everyone who loved me would approve. So when jelly wasn't looking I wrote on her computer "Im Bi-bsexual." she looked over, deleted it and called me stupid with a slight chuckle. I didn't think she understood what I was trying to say. I whispered it in her ear and when she finally understood she said, "ohh...hunny.....you like dick?" The inner beast didn't like that, it caught him off guard but he realized it would take time for everyone to understand fully. So he said, "yes occasionally!" with a slight grin. She would have to get use to it. One person had changed into two then three then four..soon the whole school was talking. I didn't mind as long as my friends still loved me.
Just like every teenager with a hidden agenda I wanted to keep my family out of my business. I actually believe they would never find out, That I was so slick they would never question me. Oh how was I so wrong?
After mom overheard a conversation with the Beast and a fellow monster , she knew everything. When I finally gave into the colorful beast and ran free, she wanted to lock him up and forget he was ever there in the first place. The beast didn't like that. Soph-hop, a dance for sophomores in the middle of winter, I wore my little cute suit and slicked back my hair. As I left out the door he heard what she said. A comment that angered him and sent me on edge: "Don't kiss any boys while your out there" The beast awakened, Nails sharp, eyes and ears alert he ran to her door and shouted," I'll kiss who ever the fuck I want to." He slammed the door and went on my merry way. Just like in School the word spread through out my family, sparking all different reactions. Some Titis of mine hugged me and said they love me, an uncle sat me and the beast down to read "Sodom and Gomorrah" and tell us we are condemning ourselves to hell, some members had already seen the beast way before I did, some still don't know at all, But to be honest they never asked.
But one things for certain The beast is a part of me and I wont ever not be myself.
So here I am 4 years later, writing down the milestones in my journey to find who I am. I am Jose Torres and I am a hispanic gay young adult artist who loves his friends and family but doesn't give a H-E double hockey stick of what people think because in the end its me whose living my life to the fullest. The beast and I finally have this understanding. We maintain this balance and became one. I am the beast of the story and I will have my happily ever after with or without my prince.
No comments:
Post a Comment